middle-of-the-year Resolutions.

Because I need to start over:

1. 8 hours of sleep a day - that's it!
2. No coffee, only tea!
3. No more than 30$ a month spent on clothes/accessories/makeup/music.
4. No whining.
5. At least 2 hours of social time a day!
6. Walk, climb stairs, jog!
7. Buy a banjo book and learn more music!
8. Start crafting hair clips instead of buying them.
9. Donate/tithe 10% a month.
10. Save 70% of what I make!

Summer specific:
1. Make a profit selling Avon.
2. Read at least one fiction book a month.
3. Go swimming.
4. Write 3-5 poems.
5. Get body perm/cut hair.

mending my spending.

I've been rather introspective lately. And by introspective I mean worried about my spending/social/schoolwork habits. I've been a poor, poor spender this semester. Recognizing the problem early on, I decided to give up shopping for non-essentials for Lent. Good idea, poorly executed. I bought and I bought and I justified it to myself and everyone else, knowing deep down that my original conviction still stood. I bought clothes upon clothes, facial products, shoes, even an ipod touch (although that was short-lived since my guilt got the best of me - i returned it three days after i purchased it).

I want to understand why. I still feel guilty about my reckless spending, but now I've moved into analyzing my motives for doing so. I think some of it can be attributed to boredom. I don't have a roommate anymore and being here by myself can be a drag. I can pin some of it on procrastination: online shopping is WAY better than reading "The Christian Polity of John Calvin," but I could go on a tangent here about my like-turned-to-hate relationship with school - I'll save it for another post.

I know with certainty that it started because I got antsy about all the life changes associated with marriage. Everyone assures me that Daniel and I will be dirt poor; they gave me the impression that we would be digging through trash cans for dinner (that's a slight exaggeration). Anyways, I am freaking getting married in less than three months and if that's not enough to make someone nervous, I don't know what is. I'm not nervous about the spending-my-life-with-Daniel part so much as all of the adult responsibilities associated with it. Financial stress is a BIG one. I think a part of me keeps thinking, "You'll never be able to spend this exorbitantly again! Do it while you still can!" And maybe that's true.

But I went into this year with a New Year's Resolution and the deep conviction that my spending does a lot to serve me in unecessary, excessive ways and does nothing for the people who could really use my care or what little money I do have to spare. I don't want to be controlled by materialism any longer. I want to be satisfied.

Now we turn to my most recent analytical subject. Am I unsatisfied? Am I trying to fill some aching space with cotton dresses and spring sandals? God and I had a falling out for awhile there, but I am hopeful, and hoping in Him again. We still have a long way to go, but my desire to spend hasn't really wavered. Perhaps the dissatisfaction can be linked to what were originally superficial feelings of boredom, discontent with school, or loneliness that have now eaten away at me to the point of causing real damage. I am self conscious in ways that I believed I had overcome. And I believe that if I really refocused my interests to meaningful tasks, my confidence would improve.

How do we break out of these ruts we dug for ourselves? Maybe I can pile up all my new accessories, clothing, products, things, fashion a ladder, climb out. Leave them behind.