Thinking Back on good ol' 2008

2008 was a growing year.

It started in cynicism. One semester of religious studies had already worn away at faith that was weaker than I understood. But God worked and the transformation of thought and focus from uncertainty and self to really knowing, knowing with all of me, that God was real, that Christ was alive, and that my life is full of purpose, a call to love others, filled me with fervor. But passion wears off in time.

In 2008, I learned what heart break is, what making hard decisions feels like, and what depth of vulnerability is involved in trusting someone. I learned how to cry. How to cry so much it didn't matter what I was crying about anymore. I learned to stop analyzing it, stop trivializing it, and stop covering it up. And by allowing myself, for the first time in my life, to be really honest with myself emotionally, my compassion and appreciation for others increased.

In the loneliness of summer, God let me feel His love more fully than I had ever felt it before. I'd been so caught up in the legalism of institutionalized Christianity I had managed to ignore this: that God loves me, in fact, Christ died for me in full knowledge of the sloppy, insensitive way I handle life. He's not plagued with regret, and neither should I be. He died because He LOVED me...that's all. Its both the simplest, most beautiful action and infinitely incomprehensible.

I did a lot of thinking, I managed to avoid rebounding. I learned that even in the midst of emotional wreckage, my intellect doesn't disappear.

And then, and now, I am learning vulnerability, trust, the chaos and confusion and joy and worth of love. The fall semester was confusing. So many barriers I'd formed around God in an attempt to comprehend Him were ripped from me, painfully. And I am coming to realize just how difficult it is to actually, truly, take a step out there in His name, with the belief that He is truth, that there is more than the Christian subculture to sustain me. I'm out of my comfort zone, but He's given me support and love. He's given me people who listen without judging, who comfort me even if they don't really understand why I'm upset.

2008 has been one of the hardest, no, the hardest year of my life. But its also been the best. And I know that God's got big plans, to change me, to push me, to seek me, so that I may seek Him, understand His love, and love others better than I've loved before.