Dear FSU,

I was educated in idealism
fostered in positive thinking.
I was cloistered in high hopes,
Oh yes - I was good -
Talented.
"She sings like a bird, she writes
so lyrically."
Did I believe them? Was I a fool
to believe?

My University fathers,
grounded their bird,
"No singing!" feet pounding
the ash on the ground.
"No writing!" suited bodies pressed
against the high iron gates, Prison!
I cry, LET ME OUT!

I AM good! Writhing,
screaming, I yell, bleeding
the wrath of a caged
creative soul,
I WILL NOT LOSE MY VOICE!
I will not stay silent.

Oh patriarchs, I spit in
your faces, bearing the
smirks of ones so privileged to
judge and decide
I can only improve if
I use my voice, and
you WILL NOT place your
cracking, firm, cold-as-death
hands over my mouth any longer.

feminism.

I did my reading for gender and religion yesterday evening. In her article on "The Human Situation," Valerie Saiving purports that concepts of love and sin discussed within the religious community are gender-biased. Theologians and religious philosophers often recognize pride as the root of all sin; the opposite of pride, then, is forgetting the self, complete self sacrifice. Saiving suggests that women, by and large, are not as likely to find pride their greatest temptation. Using anthropological and biological arguments to explain the life and mind of women (some of her arguments are a bit sketch), she notes that perhaps women are more likely to become overburdened by the desire to be liked, to please others, to gossip, and to nurture at the expense of their personal lives.

Although I think pride is a universal human temptation, I do see Saiving's point as valid. Perhaps, at least for many men and women within societies that encourage gender roles and enforce certain gender expectations, women express pride differently than the enterprising pride of ambitious men. I struggle with matters of self worth that stem from my reliance on the acceptance of others. I overburden myself, desiring to please those I respect and those from whom I seek advice.

Saiving is incorrect to assume that men and women sin differently; I do think there exist basic human motivations, temptations that plague both genders. But the fact that essential religious matters and doctrines are primarily publicly discussed and circulated by men exposes a hole in theological thought. How can all of humankind be understood in relation to God if only the works of men are widely circulated and fully discussed?

Reviews on Various Media.

I have read a few books and watched a lot of movies in the past few weeks. Let me utter my opinions to you:

Books

Memoirs of a Geisha: Although I was initially disappointed upon discovering that this "memoir" is a work of fiction, it was a very enjoyable read. It provides very interesting cultural insight. It is descriptive even about the day to day tasks of a Geisha, but because the lifestyle is so foreign to me, even that was interesting. I definitely recommend it.

The Road: A post-apocalyptic novel without a flicker of hope. After an implied nuclear war, all that remains are ashes, a dying sun, dozens of cannibals, and a boy and his son. The writing style is unique and poetic. It's awesome.

Her Fearful Symmetry: Audrey Niffenegger's second novel has a very different tone than her first. It's a whimsical and dark tale of mirror twins, ghosts, the Highgate Cemetery (I want to visit it very badly), and deception. The end seems less developed than the first two-thirds or so of the book, but I still enjoyed myself. I love how Niffenegger creates a character out of the setting. She makes you long to explore Highgate cemetery (or Chicago in the case of The Time Traveler's Wife).

In Theaters

Did You Hear About the Morgans?: DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE. It's bland and awkward.

Avatar: The plot borrows from a variety of other stories; in that way, its a bit cliche. But the 3D animation is so wonderful and the world so well developed, it doesn't even matter. I cried with happiness during the film.

Sherlock Holmes: The film was more action-packed than I expected from the English detective, but the characters were likable and the plot interesting. Certain parts dragged on more than necessary, but I had a fun time watching it. And the soundtrack was awesome, especially the heavy use of the banjo!

Up in the Air: I hadn't even heard of this movie, starring George Clooney, until I saw it last night. I really loved it. I found the tale about a man hired to fire employees at various corporations during an economic downturn incredibly relevant and heartfelt. The movie ended on an unexpectedly sad note, but its moral that relationships and communities are the key to happiness was a really important one. The film made me want to hug all of my friends.

Rentals

Julie and Julia: Wonderful! It is evident that Meryl Streep worked extremely hard to replicate the demeanor and mannerisms of Julia Child. Amy Adams is charming as always. Makes you want to spend your life cooking.

Away We Go: A quiet, "indie" feeling film about commitment and dealing with change. A young couple with a baby on the way goes on a road trip to find community and a suitable home for themselves and their child, running into various eccentric relatives and friends on the way. It leaves you with an understated happiness.

Paranormal Activity: The scariest part is that there isn't a lot of in-your-face gore or any kind of exorcism. I was impressed by the concept, but I don't like scary movies because, well, they freak me out.

New Year's Resolutions.

1. No online shopping (if you can find it at a store locally): you have to pay shipping charges and it's too much trouble to return something you decide you don't want.

2. Seriously restrict facebook-ing. It wastes time.

3. Do yoga or jog. Move around a little more.

4. Attend church more regularly.

More to come (maybe?)

6/11/07

I wrote this in 2007, but its still describes the yearning to write, and the frustration of writer's block:

These years have stripped
away my energy
the angle, the words
corralled together into what
some like to call art
the romance died with the
first failed rhyme
the story left unfinished
the essay without conclusion
tumultuous change
whipped about like warm
clothes in the dryer
only to be wrenched out to
repeat the cycle
the world hardens us
but we must not ignore
the written word
calling, crying, begging
to serve a higher purpose
art.

Expectations.

Is there anyone out there who isn't a little disappointed with life's outcome? As each year of college passes, I grow a little more uneasy, disenchanted, despairing.

I had ups and downs in high school. But everything was simpler. And being young and dependent left me free to dream about my marvelous future. Don't get me wrong, my life isn't bad. But I'm never truly at ease with my circumstances. Maybe I'm ungrateful. But I had such high expectations going into college of studying abroad, getting in shape, working toward something meaningful. The closer I get to complete independence, the more I feel like fleeing from it. How does anyone with decent goals and expectations meet those expectations in a life full of messy relationships, stress, rearrangements, and impossible decisions to make?

I want my life to be enjoyable, peaceful, exciting, meaningful. Am I asking too much?

Planz.

I've been thinking I could probably graduate a semester early, especially now that I don't intend to double major. I could finish a linguistics and English minor by next Fall. Of course, I have no idea what I would do with myself afterward.

It's all about opportunity cost. Is it benefiting me to stay in school an extra semester? I think I would like to look into getting a teacher certification, but I'm not exactly sure who or what I should teach.

Mary thinks I should go to seminary and become a pastor. I think I've always felt compelled toward that career and life choice, but it's also very scary. How do you lead people if you don't have a firm set of ideologies and doctrinal beliefs? Then again, maybe it would be useful to be a pastor who encourages discussion rather than following a list of human-made Christian expectations.

I dunno. We'll see what becomes of my life these next few years. Marriage, graduation, entering the work force. It's sure to be exciting.