On Wishful Thinking.

One:

In the morning you pretend
that fall is coming.
The breeze agrees with
your assertion;
The damp air, seeping
into your clothes, stopping up
your nostrils refuses to
imagine it with you
but you know anyway.
You know that wishful thinking
works...
If you really believe it
worked. You can
change the seasons, change
your ways, convince others
of the same. The heat will
fade, the crisp, smoky fragrance
of icy air will liven you,
and us to
think, reason, change.


Two:

I am a woman. One phrase carrying a weight, a burden, a tangle of assumptions. I am female, part of the human race, I am more than 50% of the population. I carry weight. I am large and imposing. Acknowledged by God, educated, opinionated. My convictions are born of study, intensity, quality of speech, lack of sleep. I know I matter more than 50% of the time. I have more than 50% the value of man. I feel: for you, for us, for the somber human race. I have passion, I am passion. I share humanity, human experience. I know. I am informed. I belong. I will tell my tale in my strong woman's voice. I will stand before man and tell him he was, he is, wrong. And he will believe me. He will turn away in shame.

Photographs

Seeing the photographs,
from two weeks in:
We're at the beach, we're
both bashful and
excited, this is new.

Then two months, on
the Ferris wheel; I'm
sure I made you go,
urging you to fill the shoes of
my romantic notion.

Three months, at the park
in your hometown; we
knew then that we wouldn't
tear this one apart. There would
be no heartbreak or easy

falling out.
We were in this
now.

Twenty-eight days before
the binding,
   Intermingling,
      Willful entanglement
of your life
with mine,

The photographs fresh in
my mind; I'm
framing them,
   hanging them,
on our wall.

good things.

Daniel and I are getting married in 46 days!

We will know whether we got the apartment we wanted by sometime tomorrow.

Daniel and I watched Bedknobs and Broomsticks this evening; we discovered that we were both obsessed with the film as children. What says soulmates better than a love for odd Disney movies?

My coworker shared a part of his delicious cookie at work today. I immediately asked for the recipe and Daniel, Courtney, Brett and I made them tonight. There are only 2 left from the batch of 18!

I've managed to stay on track with my summer resolutions (saving, tithing, and banjo-playing are still in the works).

My weekend in St. Augustine was excellent: good food in historical St. Augustine with Daniel, Buca di Beppo and shopping on Saturday, and the wedding shower tea party!

My supervisor is allowing me to work extra hours on weekdays instead of taking a Saturday shift.

My skin is clearing up thanks to the routine that has worked for me since the 9th grade. Why did I ever stray?

I am living a busy, exciting life this Summer.

middle-of-the-year Resolutions.

Because I need to start over:

1. 8 hours of sleep a day - that's it!
2. No coffee, only tea!
3. No more than 30$ a month spent on clothes/accessories/makeup/music.
4. No whining.
5. At least 2 hours of social time a day!
6. Walk, climb stairs, jog!
7. Buy a banjo book and learn more music!
8. Start crafting hair clips instead of buying them.
9. Donate/tithe 10% a month.
10. Save 70% of what I make!

Summer specific:
1. Make a profit selling Avon.
2. Read at least one fiction book a month.
3. Go swimming.
4. Write 3-5 poems.
5. Get body perm/cut hair.

mending my spending.

I've been rather introspective lately. And by introspective I mean worried about my spending/social/schoolwork habits. I've been a poor, poor spender this semester. Recognizing the problem early on, I decided to give up shopping for non-essentials for Lent. Good idea, poorly executed. I bought and I bought and I justified it to myself and everyone else, knowing deep down that my original conviction still stood. I bought clothes upon clothes, facial products, shoes, even an ipod touch (although that was short-lived since my guilt got the best of me - i returned it three days after i purchased it).

I want to understand why. I still feel guilty about my reckless spending, but now I've moved into analyzing my motives for doing so. I think some of it can be attributed to boredom. I don't have a roommate anymore and being here by myself can be a drag. I can pin some of it on procrastination: online shopping is WAY better than reading "The Christian Polity of John Calvin," but I could go on a tangent here about my like-turned-to-hate relationship with school - I'll save it for another post.

I know with certainty that it started because I got antsy about all the life changes associated with marriage. Everyone assures me that Daniel and I will be dirt poor; they gave me the impression that we would be digging through trash cans for dinner (that's a slight exaggeration). Anyways, I am freaking getting married in less than three months and if that's not enough to make someone nervous, I don't know what is. I'm not nervous about the spending-my-life-with-Daniel part so much as all of the adult responsibilities associated with it. Financial stress is a BIG one. I think a part of me keeps thinking, "You'll never be able to spend this exorbitantly again! Do it while you still can!" And maybe that's true.

But I went into this year with a New Year's Resolution and the deep conviction that my spending does a lot to serve me in unecessary, excessive ways and does nothing for the people who could really use my care or what little money I do have to spare. I don't want to be controlled by materialism any longer. I want to be satisfied.

Now we turn to my most recent analytical subject. Am I unsatisfied? Am I trying to fill some aching space with cotton dresses and spring sandals? God and I had a falling out for awhile there, but I am hopeful, and hoping in Him again. We still have a long way to go, but my desire to spend hasn't really wavered. Perhaps the dissatisfaction can be linked to what were originally superficial feelings of boredom, discontent with school, or loneliness that have now eaten away at me to the point of causing real damage. I am self conscious in ways that I believed I had overcome. And I believe that if I really refocused my interests to meaningful tasks, my confidence would improve.

How do we break out of these ruts we dug for ourselves? Maybe I can pile up all my new accessories, clothing, products, things, fashion a ladder, climb out. Leave them behind.

Dear FSU,

I was educated in idealism
fostered in positive thinking.
I was cloistered in high hopes,
Oh yes - I was good -
Talented.
"She sings like a bird, she writes
so lyrically."
Did I believe them? Was I a fool
to believe?

My University fathers,
grounded their bird,
"No singing!" feet pounding
the ash on the ground.
"No writing!" suited bodies pressed
against the high iron gates, Prison!
I cry, LET ME OUT!

I AM good! Writhing,
screaming, I yell, bleeding
the wrath of a caged
creative soul,
I WILL NOT LOSE MY VOICE!
I will not stay silent.

Oh patriarchs, I spit in
your faces, bearing the
smirks of ones so privileged to
judge and decide
I can only improve if
I use my voice, and
you WILL NOT place your
cracking, firm, cold-as-death
hands over my mouth any longer.

feminism.

I did my reading for gender and religion yesterday evening. In her article on "The Human Situation," Valerie Saiving purports that concepts of love and sin discussed within the religious community are gender-biased. Theologians and religious philosophers often recognize pride as the root of all sin; the opposite of pride, then, is forgetting the self, complete self sacrifice. Saiving suggests that women, by and large, are not as likely to find pride their greatest temptation. Using anthropological and biological arguments to explain the life and mind of women (some of her arguments are a bit sketch), she notes that perhaps women are more likely to become overburdened by the desire to be liked, to please others, to gossip, and to nurture at the expense of their personal lives.

Although I think pride is a universal human temptation, I do see Saiving's point as valid. Perhaps, at least for many men and women within societies that encourage gender roles and enforce certain gender expectations, women express pride differently than the enterprising pride of ambitious men. I struggle with matters of self worth that stem from my reliance on the acceptance of others. I overburden myself, desiring to please those I respect and those from whom I seek advice.

Saiving is incorrect to assume that men and women sin differently; I do think there exist basic human motivations, temptations that plague both genders. But the fact that essential religious matters and doctrines are primarily publicly discussed and circulated by men exposes a hole in theological thought. How can all of humankind be understood in relation to God if only the works of men are widely circulated and fully discussed?