categories.

Categories are useful for making sense of the world. They make information approachable. The problem is that they're constructs. They don't define human thought patterns or tell us how people truly process stimuli. Humans invented a mode of rational thought, the scientific method, and systems of logic, but these mechanisms are precisely that. The human is not solely a machine; we may understand ourselves through technological metaphors, but these only help us make sense of parts of ourselves. At the end of the day, humans are raw and organic. We search for meaning. In everything. We hope for an "aha!" moment, for a time when we will be launched into existential awareness of our being and being in general, or of God. Modern atheism purports that this age of Reason makes it nonsensical, therefore unthinkable, to believe in a metaphysical, supernatural, or all-encompassing Spirit. But we still believe! Why do we still believe? There must be something in our nature that seeks out and responds to the immaterial. I don't think the argument, "That's not rational," holds any weight. We are not rational beings. We do not make decisions based on logic. We make them based on gut feelings, emotional responses tangled up with past experience. I no longer wish to place my personality into categories. I am not a scholar, an artist, a fashionista, a Christian, a spouse, a woman, a daughter, or a friend. I am a human being and many things comprise who I am. I am not required to explain myself categorically because I do not communicate with Computers. Are we losing something profound to our existence - our past, present, and future - when we yearn to become machines at the cost of losing our muddied, hysterical, mysterious humanity?

Emerson.

"Our age is retrospective. It builds the sepulchres of the fathers...The foregoing generations beheld God and nature face to face; we, through their eyes. Why should not we also enjoy an original relation to the universe? Why should not we have a poetry and philosophy of insight and not tradition, and a religion by revelation to us, and not the history of theirs?" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Wishful Thinking.

One:

In the morning you pretend
that fall is coming.
The breeze agrees with
your assertion;
The damp air, seeping
into your clothes, stopping up
your nostrils refuses to
imagine it with you
but you know anyway.
You know that wishful thinking
works...
If you really believe it
worked. You can
change the seasons, change
your ways, convince others
of the same. The heat will
fade, the crisp, smoky fragrance
of icy air will liven you,
and us to
think, reason, change.


Two:

I am a woman. One phrase carrying a weight, a burden, a tangle of assumptions. I am female, part of the human race, I am more than 50% of the population. I carry weight. I am large and imposing. Acknowledged by God, educated, opinionated. My convictions are born of study, intensity, quality of speech, lack of sleep. I know I matter more than 50% of the time. I have more than 50% the value of man. I feel: for you, for us, for the somber human race. I have passion, I am passion. I share humanity, human experience. I know. I am informed. I belong. I will tell my tale in my strong woman's voice. I will stand before man and tell him he was, he is, wrong. And he will believe me. He will turn away in shame.

Photographs

Seeing the photographs,
from two weeks in:
We're at the beach, we're
both bashful and
excited, this is new.

Then two months, on
the Ferris wheel; I'm
sure I made you go,
urging you to fill the shoes of
my romantic notion.

Three months, at the park
in your hometown; we
knew then that we wouldn't
tear this one apart. There would
be no heartbreak or easy

falling out.
We were in this
now.

Twenty-eight days before
the binding,
   Intermingling,
      Willful entanglement
of your life
with mine,

The photographs fresh in
my mind; I'm
framing them,
   hanging them,
on our wall.

good things.

Daniel and I are getting married in 46 days!

We will know whether we got the apartment we wanted by sometime tomorrow.

Daniel and I watched Bedknobs and Broomsticks this evening; we discovered that we were both obsessed with the film as children. What says soulmates better than a love for odd Disney movies?

My coworker shared a part of his delicious cookie at work today. I immediately asked for the recipe and Daniel, Courtney, Brett and I made them tonight. There are only 2 left from the batch of 18!

I've managed to stay on track with my summer resolutions (saving, tithing, and banjo-playing are still in the works).

My weekend in St. Augustine was excellent: good food in historical St. Augustine with Daniel, Buca di Beppo and shopping on Saturday, and the wedding shower tea party!

My supervisor is allowing me to work extra hours on weekdays instead of taking a Saturday shift.

My skin is clearing up thanks to the routine that has worked for me since the 9th grade. Why did I ever stray?

I am living a busy, exciting life this Summer.

middle-of-the-year Resolutions.

Because I need to start over:

1. 8 hours of sleep a day - that's it!
2. No coffee, only tea!
3. No more than 30$ a month spent on clothes/accessories/makeup/music.
4. No whining.
5. At least 2 hours of social time a day!
6. Walk, climb stairs, jog!
7. Buy a banjo book and learn more music!
8. Start crafting hair clips instead of buying them.
9. Donate/tithe 10% a month.
10. Save 70% of what I make!

Summer specific:
1. Make a profit selling Avon.
2. Read at least one fiction book a month.
3. Go swimming.
4. Write 3-5 poems.
5. Get body perm/cut hair.

mending my spending.

I've been rather introspective lately. And by introspective I mean worried about my spending/social/schoolwork habits. I've been a poor, poor spender this semester. Recognizing the problem early on, I decided to give up shopping for non-essentials for Lent. Good idea, poorly executed. I bought and I bought and I justified it to myself and everyone else, knowing deep down that my original conviction still stood. I bought clothes upon clothes, facial products, shoes, even an ipod touch (although that was short-lived since my guilt got the best of me - i returned it three days after i purchased it).

I want to understand why. I still feel guilty about my reckless spending, but now I've moved into analyzing my motives for doing so. I think some of it can be attributed to boredom. I don't have a roommate anymore and being here by myself can be a drag. I can pin some of it on procrastination: online shopping is WAY better than reading "The Christian Polity of John Calvin," but I could go on a tangent here about my like-turned-to-hate relationship with school - I'll save it for another post.

I know with certainty that it started because I got antsy about all the life changes associated with marriage. Everyone assures me that Daniel and I will be dirt poor; they gave me the impression that we would be digging through trash cans for dinner (that's a slight exaggeration). Anyways, I am freaking getting married in less than three months and if that's not enough to make someone nervous, I don't know what is. I'm not nervous about the spending-my-life-with-Daniel part so much as all of the adult responsibilities associated with it. Financial stress is a BIG one. I think a part of me keeps thinking, "You'll never be able to spend this exorbitantly again! Do it while you still can!" And maybe that's true.

But I went into this year with a New Year's Resolution and the deep conviction that my spending does a lot to serve me in unecessary, excessive ways and does nothing for the people who could really use my care or what little money I do have to spare. I don't want to be controlled by materialism any longer. I want to be satisfied.

Now we turn to my most recent analytical subject. Am I unsatisfied? Am I trying to fill some aching space with cotton dresses and spring sandals? God and I had a falling out for awhile there, but I am hopeful, and hoping in Him again. We still have a long way to go, but my desire to spend hasn't really wavered. Perhaps the dissatisfaction can be linked to what were originally superficial feelings of boredom, discontent with school, or loneliness that have now eaten away at me to the point of causing real damage. I am self conscious in ways that I believed I had overcome. And I believe that if I really refocused my interests to meaningful tasks, my confidence would improve.

How do we break out of these ruts we dug for ourselves? Maybe I can pile up all my new accessories, clothing, products, things, fashion a ladder, climb out. Leave them behind.