Turning over a new leaf.

The start of the school year is often cathartic. I go through my closet and purge my old clothing to make way for new fall styles. Immersed in the college culture, I learn about new bands, new relationships (and those that turned sour in the summer heat), new students. The quickened pace of a packed schedule is often just what I need to let go of old heartbreaks and insecurities. Here I am again, nearing the end of the first week of my junior year of college, and I feel the need to reflect on who I am, what I've learned, and how, with new resources and new surprises, I can change for the better.

I am imperfect: sometimes reckless, mean, selfish, dramatic. But I want honest, grounded passion, passion that allows me to pursue my interests and my school work with fervor, that encourages me to greet everyone with a smile that lets them know I want to know them; I want to desire to know people. I want a passion that leads me daily, hourly, to Christ, to this grand true story of God watching over us, pitying us, crying out for our attention, forgiving us. I think if I knew that in an intimate, encompassing way at all times, everything would change.

I have made mistakes. I have gossiped and slandered. I have taken for granted my daily blessings. I am ready to find the balance between moving on and feeling guilty for my humanness, to know how to recover and to live each day with joy.

Being here is a blessing. An example, once again of beauty in the broken, in moving forward, in times of change, in deepening relationships and continuing to work toward a degree.

Don't take it for granted.

Consumption Addiction.

I have a literal shoe addiction. I am drawn into shoe aisles and shoe stores by some metaphysical entity. I try on every pair I see. I buy shoes every time I go shopping. Thanks to Mary, I now recognize that I tend to buy jeans I don't want, need, or even like, compulsively.  I always felt that I managed my money fairly well. I'm not in debt, I can pay for gas and spontaneous trips to Starbucks. But I'm not spending wisely and I can't seem to figure out how to alter my spending habits in the long run. I've gone on spending fasts that work, but like trendy diet plans, once the fast ends, my spending goes back to normal. 

I want to buy clothes, shoes, and accessories in a way that isn't lavish or excessive. To scope out what I need or want and then sit on my decision until I can be sure its a wise choice. I think it must be possible to own fewer than 30 pairs of shoes and still look good, to buy a few jeans that actually fit and wear them for at least a year. 

I feel convicted, like its actually a hindrance to my reliance on God, a distraction from pursuing things that really matter. I need to buckle down, give some shoes away, live on the plenty I already have. It may seem trivial, but it's a hard sacrifice. I'm lucky, I'm blessed, and I need to start living with gratitude instead of unquenchable desire for the material. 

Feel free to comment with your own struggles or suggestions.