three mice, thrice as nice!

Nikkal

Baby Talaya!

Nikkal grooming Anahita

True love

journaling

I used to keep a physical journal; technically, I still do, but it's been neglected for several (upon several) months. I also used to write journal entries in this blog. On a whim, I just read through my posts from 2008 and 2009. I was confused by some things (my writing style was weirdly abstract), amused by others, but mostly happily startled by how consistent my life goals have always been. 

• In 2009, I expressed a desire to get teacher-certified.
• In 2008, I already expressed some doubt about attending graduate school. 
• Two years prior to my wedding date (to the day), I listed that I wanted to be a part of a "selfless relationship," which I understood then, and now, to mean a long-lasting romantic partnership.
• Even during my impressionable years of not-quite-adulthood, I had the same pet peeves and concerns about the world.
• I have always expressed a desire to know reality, to know truth. I yearned, and continue to yearn, to live in reality and to search for beauty stripped of delusion, even if that means I must deal more completely with sorrow.

Often, when I look back at who I was in 2007 or 2008, I see myself through a skeptical, self-deprecating lens. I scoff at earlier-me's naivete, her hope, her unknowing, free-flowing passion. But I should trust myself more. A little life experience and a lot of growing up has made me more hesitant to speak with force and assumed knowledge, but my heart is in it just as much now as it was then. I know better than to confront an issue as if no opposition could possibly arise. But I do admire myself, in all my child-like innocence, speaking passionately on love and loss and human experience. 

I hope that I can continue my 23 year old tradition of journaling, of observing, of making sense out of life events, no matter how inconsequential they are in the grand scheme of things. 

What I bring now is a better sense of how narrative works to inform us, to counsel us, to - in many cases - close us off to further discussion. I bring experience: loss, love, a new understanding of grief and struggle and confusion and joy.

I bring, hopefully, a more comprehensible writing style. I hope, though, I haven't lost the poetry. 

Three Cups of Tea

source: ikat.org

I finished reading Three Cups of Tea yesterday evening. It's a journalist-written biography about Greg Mortenson's Central Asia Institute, which builds schools all over Pakistan and Afghanistan for poor, rural communities. He focuses specifically on gaining female students under the premise that a community improves when women are educated. He and his associates fight terror in the only truly effective way - by building friendships and providing a means for better quality of life. They fight extremist madrassas with unbiased, equal opportunity schools run by locals and supported by local religious and political leaders.


The book opened my eyes to what's really going on in Pakistan and the middle east. For the first time, I'm ashamed to admit, I saw Pakistanis as people, as individuals, as communities that only want the best for their children and the best for themselves. It's one of those books that has fundamentally changed me. It's one of those experiences that helped me understand myself, and people living on the other side of the world from me, in a deeply reflective way.


I encourage everyone to read it.


"But working over there, I've learned a few things. I've learned that terror doesn't happen because some group of people somewhere like Pakistan or Afghanistan simply decide to hate us. It happens because children aren't being offered a bright enough future that they have a reason to choose life over death." - Greg Mortenson, p. 292


For more quotes from the book, please visit fractured-radiance.
For information on the Central Asia Institute, please click here.


I want to be the kind of person who does something about pain and sorrow and lack of opportunity, to take a leap, to rely on uncertainty, and to press on regardless of perceived barriers.

relationships

It bothers me a lot that people my age don't take relationships seriously, or if they do, don't truly stand firm in helping anyone else do the same. I definitely think there is more gray area than people like to let on when it comes to taking personal and physical steps in a relationship, but we have to stop pretending like we're all experts in our own lives and start paying attention to what research, and solid relationships, tell us about building solid relationships.


When I first met Daniel and started to fall for him, I listened to a podcast and did some research on the chemicals of love and commitment. I credit those things, not necessarily with making my relationship succeed, but with keeping me grounded. Why do I feel an urgent need to be around him every day? Oh, the norepinephrine. Why do I feel such bliss in his embrace? The dopamine. For some, this takes all the romance out of falling in love. For me, it was reassurance. I knew why I was going crazy. I also knew that when the surge of these chemicals subsided, it didn't mean I no longer loved Daniel, it just meant that the 18 month period of crazy had settled us into a happy relationship.


Because I was still in school and lived on campus when we got engaged, and because it really never crossed my mind, we didn't consider moving in together. But I had done my research anyway, and the results weren't pretty. As it turns out, living together no longer necessarily signals early divorce - but only if a significant commitment, such as engagement, has been added to the mix. When both parties are clueless about their future together, things begin to go awry.


That's not to say that people shouldn't be allowed to make whatever decisions they want, or that not reading up on hormones will ruin a relationship, but I think when it comes to building any relationship that could have a tremendous impact on our lives, we better think things through and not let hormones, or convenience, be our primary guides.


(Just to clarify, this post was inspired by several separate events and experiences. No single individual is meant to be targeted. On a related note, we have to stop portraying our relationships as rainbow bubbles of mushy love, to begin to convey realistic experience with its wonderful ups and also its downs - I think it's potentially harming those who are currently looking for love, but that's for another post, I guess.)

TMI

Social media exists for sharing, but too often we are tempted to over share. Last week, I got myself in a lot of trouble on Facebook (again) by forgetting to behave as if the person with whom I disagree is in the room with me, by acting as if they were an automated troll rather than a real person. I see careless arguments break out through social media all the time, ones that can seriously damage relationships and negatively influence public opinion on sensitive issues.

source by Teeney 2

Don't be an internet troll.

Maybe we're automatically more caustic toward each other on facebook and blogs because they exist in part to make us look good. We carefully construct our public identity through these forums and when someone responds unfavorably to them, our immediate response is to lash out. We want so badly to be perceived as confident, respectable individuals with numerous interests and talents that we will compromise relationship to keep our online personas intact.


Blogs in particular seem to tempt us to over share, to vent our frustrations as if we're writing in a private journal when we're really allowing the world to access every gut response and judgment. I try to be very careful here to create a distance between my life as it happens and how I express it. A friend and I agreed recently that the best way to avoid bitter and angry comments is to not invite them in the first place - to share thoughtfully and non-defensively, to explain your actions and address possible criticism maturely, and to realize that some life decisions and topics will invite comments no matter how you address them in your writing and that it is your responsibility to create a space for constructive criticism.


Although it is our right to spew whatever crap we want into the virtual universe, it's not always in anyone's best interest to do so. Don't pretend like you are justified to speak and act irresponsibly. Stop behaving as if your opinion is the only one that counts. Recognize that you are initiating a conversation every time you post. And if you use writing as a tool to help you sort out your emotions and make solid decisions, consider closing your lap top and settling down with a pen and paper instead. Good, old fashioned private journaling never hurt anyone.

"about me"

Wife.

Christian.

Framer.

Nanny.

Goldfish owner.

Crafter.

Singer.

Fashion lover.

I recently ran into some stereotype-driven conflict on a blogger's page. After urging others who commented on her post about divorce to realize that marriage is not passive and that you can't gauge your commitment solely on feeling butterflies, someone responded rather bizarrely:

"Leah, it's obvious you have a religious axe to grind, but this is not the place for it..." 

To further clarify, this is what I posted:

"the farse here is feeling that there should always be butterflies. no wonder so many people get divorced. those butterflies are dopamine, which hype you up and stay in your body for about 18 months after you fall in love. they leave after that and you're still left with a relationship to work on. nobody would still be married if they expected prolonged butterflies. plus, that would be very uncomfortable. 

i'm not saying this to outright disapprove of your decision, - . I just felt a need to clear this up. Marriage is hard work. It's not something that happens to you; you actively pursue it or you don't." 

I can only conclude that the respondent either thinks anyone who is pro-marriage is also a fundamentalist Christian or - and this is more likely - she read my little bio on my profile and mentally linked my criticism to it. I can imagine her saying to herself: "oh, isn't that just like an ignorant American Christian to say something anti-divorce on this blog where we're all supposed to be nice and supportive." 

I will concede that my Christian upbringing likely has something to do with my commitment to marriage. But I think it makes just as much sense to say I have been too heavily influenced by those old married couples who think marriage is a life long commitment. Or human society who prizes relational commitment. Or love itself, which demands I give up a little of my own comfort for the comfort of my friends and family. Or maturity, which tells me that life is, in fact, not about me at all, that life is much more worth living when I live in relationship and take responsibility for my behavior.

In conclusion, my "axe to grind" is really just an attempt at waking up my self-obsessed generation to the destructive nature of too much self love. I've heard it said that you have to love yourself before you can love others fully, and maybe that's true. But if you love yourself too much, it's impossible to love anyone else fully. It's impossible to really commit to anything or anyone. When the end goal is to make yourself happy, you will search your whole life and never find it. When the end goal is contentment in a responsible community of people who have striven and nagged and hurt and let go of themselves for your benefit, alongside you, you will probably be surprised one day, waking up to light and birdsong, at how happy you are.

To round out the whole discussion, think about this: next time you read someone's fragmented online bio, try not to see them as a list, but as a nuanced individual. I am not a naive, fundamentalist, Republican housewife (which one may assume from the word, "Christian"). Even if I were, I would be much much more than that. Judge me on my words, not on my particular life situation. Judge me on my heart, my intentions, my sometimes over-the-top passion, not on a single word placed out of context.

from Three Cups of Tea

"Let sorrowful longing dwell in your heart.
Never give up, never lose hope.
God says, 'The broken ones are my beloved.'
Crush your heart. Be broken." 
- Shaikh Abu Saeed Abil Kheir


"Not hammer-strokes, but dance of the water,
sings the pebbles into perfection."
-Rabindranath Tagore, p. 184


"If you really want to change a culture, to empower women, improve basic hygiene and health care, and fight high rates of infant mortality, the answer is to educate girls" - Greg Mortenson, p. 209


"'I've heard some people say Americans are bad,' she says softly. 'But we love Americans. They are the most kind people for us. They are the only ones who cared to help us.'" - p. 224


"'I request America to look into our hearts,' Abbas continue, his voice straining with emotion, 'and see that the great majority of us are not terrorists, but good and simple people. Our land is stricken with poverty because we are without education. but today, another candle of knowledge has been lit. In the name of Allah the Almighty, may it light our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in.'" - Syed Abbas, p. 257


"There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?" - Rumi

prose

I'm sitting under a roof
of scattered tree limbs,
in a dusty, fenced in patch
of Tallahassee grass
with an abandoned ballet
bar on the left
  miniature, faded yellow
chairs scattered by
some giant in a brief
   fit of rage
and old gray-white pipe
flies: butter, fruit, red?
I think it's going to rain

-----------------------

Shrill peep of an
  orange beaked
bird (Cardinal!)
   it nest-led
in a low hanging
branch
too close to childrens'
curious fingers
guarding, not ten
    feet away

-----------------------

sugar ants flock to ice cream
  like little girls flocks to
low
    hanging
         branches.

time and season

Your limbs half bare
in May
in Florida
Resisting summer
or too lazy, or
dying?

Your limbs grew wild
outstretched and crooked
in those early
days before you
really
   knew
you were alive

Do you regret
  the growing over
time and season?

Do you regret bearing
children on your arms
and standing still
when storms, surely
  hundreds now,
washed over you?

Perhaps it's too
much, and too
hard
to grow back,
          bring back,
all that you lost
  again,
    and over ag-
ain.

ugh

People need to stop being so flippant about divorce. the reason why your grandparents are still together is because they stayed together during times they didn't particularly want to be together. wake up, people. if you stop feeling the love, find a way to feel it again, or let time pass and rekindle it later. don't just make up some stupid excuse about knowing that you just weren't right for eachother or growing apart. Marriage is work. Duh. To maintain a close relationship with anyone for a long time is work. Your life may be crap, but you can't blame it on your spouse, cut ties, and omg, just start again with, like, a whole great life ahead of you. When you get a divorce, I imagine it's not really that easy to just pick things up and start over. Stop deluding yourself, world.

the middle

"I have heard that many of us sojourn in the middle for a long, long time; that we have many middles; that we keep meeting and making new middles. Maybe every ten years, like Ruth's mother said. Maybe, for some people, more often than that.

And I have heard that some people eventually leave the middle and arrive at an end. I have heard that this end is a place of wisdom, of beatitude. I have heard it is a place of unself-consciousness. I have heard there is a lot of give in the fabric there." - Lauren Winner, Still

once

Appropriate for Easter?

Part of me
Has Died
And won't return
And part of me
Wants to hide
The part that's burned

Once, once
Knew how to talk to you
Once, once
But not anymore

Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home

Part of me
Has vied
To watch it burn
And the heart of me
Has tried
But look what it's become

Once, once
I knew how to look for you
Once, once
But that was before
Once, once
I would have laid down and died for you
Once, once
But not anymore.

Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home

- Once by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irgslova

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. Ghosts and Demons: My dad informed me about 4 years ago that he used to have this dream when we lived in my first house (I lived there until I was 4) that all the rooms were protected except for mine. As a result, all sorts of malignant beings were able to enter the house via my room and hover around my bed. I have been unusually horrified of spirits my whole life and I think his dream points to something very real and very scary going on in that house during my most impressionable years.

2. Burglars/Robbers/ Home invaders: This is related to the above fear in the sense that home invaders, like spirits, enter your house without permission. I was already scared of them, but when someone robbed our house when I was in the sixth grade, the fear was further cemented. I actually had to move my bed so that I couldn't see out the window at night in order to sleep soundly again, because I thought I could see the silhouettes of people highlighted by the security light outside (it was likely an armadillo digging in the bushes).

3. Rapists: I think this is self explanatory.

Runners up: the ocean (but I love documentaries about it), being considered stupid, Daniel dying in a tragic accident

1. List 20 random facts about yourself

1. I was born in Anderson, Indiana.
2. I have one sibling, a younger sister.
3. My thumbs are double jointed.
4. I like to dance.
5. I have a lifelong obsession with fashion.
6. I became a Christian when I was six.
7. I became a Religion major when I was 19. 
8. I met my husband when I was 20.
9. I have two moles on my neck.
10. I played softball, soccer, and basketball in elementary school.
11. I have taken tap, ballet, irish dancing, hip hop, and swing dance classes.
12. I started to sing formally in the third grade and never stopped (until this past year - how sad).
13. When I was little, I wanted to be a marine biologist, until I went to the beach for the first time and realized I hated sand and was terrified of sea creatures.
14. I own many shoes.
15. I love cats and cat paraphernalia. 
16. I have astigmatism.
17. I produce too much saliva.
18. I played viola for six weeks in middle school.
19. My initials are LCW, even now that I'm married (it's awesome!).
20. I am moving out of state in 4 months.

i'm doing this starting...now!

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

good news

I just received the very good news that a customer wrote a letter to corporate praising my customer service at the frame shop where I work. It was forwarded to both my store manager and the proper corporate department for review. That means that 1. my store manager sees that I'm a valuable employee, 2. my name will appear in the national store newsletter, and 3. the email will be framed and posted on the wall near the frame shop.

Hooray for customers who care enough to submit their praise in writing! It's nice to see that my attempts at kindness, patience, and assistance have paid off.

another glimpse: Old City Cemetery

I wanted to republish my poem along with an image or two from my recent photo expedition to my favorite local cemetery.

Bodies so ancient,
decayed down to marrow
mere calcium deposits

Jewels hidden beneath
stone, leaves as dead as this
mismatched village of

Warring Americans, witches, noblemen,
teachers, and infants
in their underground rabbit holes

So content, willing the
first leaves of autumn to
toss themselves earthward

In an effort to live
by dying in a patchwork
of sunlight and gray

And we were alive
and these spectres, by way of rustling
Leaves and bird songs, provoked

Us
to really live.

For more photos, check our water lily photo.

Commander

To Commander Howard M. Bosworth, Ruler of the 7 seas:


You were a good fish, a kind fish
And I only truly wish
that I had known more about goldfish care
before Mary won you at the fair. 

You could have lived a full life
20 years or more
who knows what antics and exciting turns
may have been in store
for you

I treated you for swim bladder infection,
indigestion, bacteria, and fin rot
I hoped, I really thought
that you would eventually get better
that you would be with me forever

And now you're gone
And I'm sorry
And I feel I've done you wrong

You were just a little goldfish
you didn't ask for this
you didn't deserve to begin your life as a prize
and finish it, alone, in a dark kitchen
never having seen the sun rise
over a quiet, regulated pond
with your friends and offspring.

Dear NBC,

I know that whoever reads this email is not responsible for writing shows like The Office and 30 Rock. But I'm fed up and I need to actively fight against a topic that keeps showing up on your shows.

Tallahassee is not full of hicks, uneducated slobs, and southern belles. Sure, it has a funny name (although thinking so is actually prejudiced since it's a name given to it by Native Americans). It also happens to be surrounded by forest and unincorporated towns and lies very close to the Florida-Georgia border.

But the very fact that it is the state capital and has two successful and historically important colleges should be enough for writers and producers to realize that Tallahassee is actually a vibrant and diverse city full of intellectuals and innovators.

I'm not denying that Rick Scott makes the whole state look bad. But I attended Florida State University and graduated from a program that is consistently ranked highly, alongside ivy leagues. My professors attended Harvard and Yale. I worked hard and received a departmental academic award.

Florida A & M is located in Tallahassee, as well, and has a rich history of academic and professional success.

Both universities bring individuals from all over the world to Tallahassee. I wasn't born and raised here, but I enjoy it. And I don't like rednecks.

If you're going to allow your writers to consistently rail against Tallahassee, at least use reference material that is consistent with the culture and events of Tallahassee. Shows like yours influence popular opinion about this town. I don't want to be ashamed about where I live.

Please forward this to the necessary viewers.

Sincerely, Leah

classical music

I think that young people are socially discouraged from preferring classical music over modern, popular music. But if you're looking for something with which you can truly and freely emotionally identify, classical music has, in my opinion, much more to offer.

Symphonies offer up their melodies to soaring emotions - intensity, bravery, anxiety, ecstasy. Classical guitar offers nostalgia. Brooding piano music is great to think to. Opera is chilling, humorous, and awe-inspiring. Choral pieces in all their grandeur remind the listener of the brilliant things humans can do when they work together - they offer hope. Besides the emotional connection one can make to classical music, there is a wealth of history and drama, lightness and darkness, associated with the long and widespread history of pieces that fit within the genre. They force the listener to look outside of their contemporary, well controlled context into the minds and experiences of hundreds of years of composers, musicians, and listeners.

Classical music can touch your soul while pop music barely skims the surface. Sure, it covers the gamut of human experience - from love to anger to desire to regret - but it rarely allows you to turn away from those feelings. It instead urges you to stay in the melancholy of an experience. Like gaping at Lady Gaga in a meat suit, you want to move on, but you can't turn away.

Classical music prefers your full attention, but doesn't distract you from going about your day. With each new song, you discover a new piece of history. You learn when you listen. And what you hear is organic. It is real, without sound mixers and auto tuning and synthesizers.

Through classical music, we realize that humans are immensely talented all on their own. We are given the aural promptings to work through our emotions, or we are distracted enough by the beauty of unified sound to let our emotions work themselves out. We are encouraged to see our life in the light of vast human history.

And maybe, through classical music, we will work less to create facades for ourselves and more to seek out authentic talent - to work hard and achieve something more beautiful, and more compelling, than popular music in its very nature ever can.

too nostalgic to resist

In 2011, I:

• started a daily style blog
• took some really great classes (Narrative Ethics and Job)
• sang a song in Hebrew at a campus event
• graduated summa cum laude from college
• received the Religion Department award
• did my first serious photo shoots (and got paid for 2.5)
• got my first full time job with benefits
• learned custom framing
• visited Indiana with my family
• sang a solo at my grandma's church
• celebrated my one year wedding anniversary with Daniel
• quit my first full time job with benefits
• became a nanny
• tried more crafts and recipes than I did in 4 years of college
• became the owner of two Roborovski hamsters (RIP Huckleberry, or Hermes)
• began two short stories
• sold items on ebay
• cut off all my hair
• went to San Francisco (!)
• bought, with Daniel, my first piece of non-folk art or student-made, original artwork
• celebrated Christmas with Daniel's and my family simultaneously
• participated in Andrea's wedding as co-matron of honor and wedding singer

In conclusion, last year was full of incredible changes and wonderful adventures. I am in a place, with a set of new experiences and new skills, I couldn't have anticipated. I never thought of my life past 2011 since it marked my college graduation. But life is still going, and going well. 

I wanted to start the new year with a little observation. I wrote this at 12:00 am to mark the moment 2012 began:

On the new year

I saw a beetle fly

in the light

of a street lamp

slow, illuminated, upward

moving.