Starting Over

I don't know if its just an aspect of my restless personality or a symptom of living a life of mediocrity, but every so often I feel the intense, desperate need to start over. Delete the cracker crumb paths through this forest of living and searching and expressing myself.

I get the urge to smash my computer to pieces, tear out journal entries, make a clean break. And I wish I could understand myself. But I just want to make a difference. I just want to know truth. I don't need to be brainwashed into a life of contentment, I just need to revel in the glory of the harsh truths of reality. I want to look into people's eyes and see their hearts. But I want to do this without getting myself entangled into messy relationships.

But that's not possible. Life may be simple in its most objective form. But people are not objective and cannot view life through a scope of objectivity and stoic reasoning. That's what makes this living thing worth it, but that's also what makes it so hard.

I am convinced, absolutely and passionately, that God has huge, life-changing things in mind for His church on this earth. It's not at all about me, it's about a global body. And maybe if I could come to terms with that, really understand that, I could really start to live. My efforts don't have to be glorious, I don't have to be altogether competent, because I am not all that matters.